The NA710N

Levi Johnston is a creation of the Twilight Zone or, at the very least, its Canadian cousin from the 1980s, The Hitchhiker. As the host of that drug-fueled venture might say, “Sarah Palin thought she could position herself one heartbeat away from the presidency. Instead, she’s managed to position herself a baby away from the a burgeoning gay icon.” Once a run-of-the-mill athletic high schooler from a dead-end town, Johnson found himself wrapped in the fist of the Republican National Committee and wiggled himself out just in time to become the living embodiment of the American Dream.

Johnston joins the ranks of Kevin Federline, Michael Lohan, and new buddy Jon Gosselin as an embattled parent milking the success of his sperm for all it’s worth. The major difference between Johnston and his colleagues is that, unlike the others, Johnston did not set out to make himself famous, actually wants to spend time with his son and, as a result, comes off as a likable oaf who through no fault of his own has stumbled upon the limelight. He is also younger, better looking, and a much more powerful political force than any of the others, if only by virtue of whom he chose to impregnate. Whether Johnston recognizes the impact he is having on the conservative movement is still a matter of debate, but his tabloid appeal has dragged the image of Sarah Palin, already on the ground, through some deep mud in an unprecedented way.

Much of this has to do with the fact that the rise of Sarah Palin as a respected political figure in and of itself is an unprecedented political phenomenon. For the few who knew her during her pre-McCain tenure as governor of Alaska, she was an obscure sex symbol and the promise of a more colorful—and more beautiful—Washington. Liberal blogs were saying things like “we hope she seeks national office soon because… she could really class up the joint” and “she is the most popular political figure at state level in the USA.” The Left could care less about her politics; for all they knew, she was only affecting the ten people that live in Alaska with her policies. Like a child or a particularly precocious dog, she was only cute from afar. Once her mess spilled over into a national venue, her ignorance and self-righteousness were no longer someone else’s nuisance, but our collective problem, one that fed off of ire of her enemies to become a political juggernaut.

Hope and Change solved that problem, but now Palin is back, having reinvented her image of a delusional Machiavellian tyrant who would step on anything and anyone to climb up the ladder to success. This time the mask she has chosen is a much meeker one: a loving mom who accepted the responsibility of fame as a sacrifice necessary for the good of her children, grandchild, and nation. She only wishes to clear her name and will only involve herself in politics “if people will have me.” It is hard to take her seriously, however, when in the process of rebuilding her life among the ruins left behind by the Evil McCain Aides she continues to smear an obviously misguided, dim-witted young boy, especially one who has very little time to evolve into a responsible parent.

Of course, not everyone cares for sympathizing for a rising porn star who fraternizes with acclaimed fruit fly Kathy Griffin and gets a standing ovation at the Fleshbot Awards. To the Right, the rise of this unremarkable 19-year-old into the epicenter of the American zeitgeist indicates the abominable depths of moral decay to which our once-honorable nation has sunk. Once upon a time, American pop culture reserved fame only for the most deserving, like Abbie Hoffman or Joey Buttafuoco. Now anyone willing to trample on the reputation of a poor working mother gets the celebrity treatment.

This perspective once again highlights a major fault in the entire Palin conservative machine: it definitively lacks a sense of humor. Humor has been the liberal weapon of choice at the tail end of this decade, with the rise of satirists like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert and former comedian like Glenn Beck and Al Franken abandoning their days of morning zoo and sketch comedy, respectively, for a more political position. Those who embrace the absurdity of their personalities swim; those who take the self-congratulatory route sink. McCain staffers tried to teach Palin this when she was under their wing, booking her to appear on Saturday Night Live and trying to bring out the conservative mom’s likability. The problem became that she had very little, if any, of the latter. Her attempts to laugh at herself felt uncomfortable and contrived. Her attempts to make serious points fell flat when her ignorance of key facts became readily apparent. No matter how much she tries to convince Oprah that she knew the Katie Couric interview was disastrous, she never gave any indication of it at the time, when she needed to.

Now a former family member is using the attribute Palin least understands against her, and is laughing all the way to the bank. Johnston has basically given up speaking at this point, and when he does open his mouth he says things like “I just get naked. That’s what I do.” He may be dumber than a sack of bricks, but no one is going to ridicule Levi before Levi does himself, and Palin stands to learn that lesson. The more she tries to put him down, the lower he will stoop, teasing her into the mud. It was the famous German filmmaker and recognized madman Werner Herzog who said “you can fight a rumor only with an even wilder rumor.” Rumored to be still lusting over Bristol? Make public appearances with Kathy Griffin hinting at a romance. Accused of wanting to extort Palin for her money? Get a well-paying job— as a porn star.

Johnston serves as a moral compass for those who dare to dabble in self-righteousness, moral lecturing, and over victimization of an image crafted on resilience and independent spirit. Simply put, Palin can’t have it both ways; she can’t be a victim if she spends her time persecuting a teenaged high school dropout. He is a reminder that, when the truth is in play, the densest sources—much like radioactivity—tend to emit the most karma.

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